Am I A Homo?

Am I  A HomoRacial? For the last few months I have been reading a blog for people in interracial relationships. Sometimes it’s simplistic, idealistic, sometimes infuriating, sometimes it is thought provoking. And sometimes it is just embarrassing to have issues put out there. The one thing that makes the blogger more credible is that she has been in same race relationships before.



My followers (all 2 of them) know that I have been exploring the idea of being in an interracial relationship. I have met a few rainbow men (her term not mine). But haven’t really been able to connect with them. I have to admit I have not really ever seen a white guy that I wanted to approach (besides George Clooney and Richard Gere). So what makes me think there are any that want to approach me?


I have read all kinds of things about why Black women should date out of their race. And I have to say there are some really valid points. Why shouldn’t educated, well employed, respectful, beautiful Black women date men who appreciate and respect them? Why do we continue to be in dysfunctional relationships with cheaters, liars, thieves, and felons? Because we are HomoRacial (my word). Believers that we only belong with our race as life partners, subscribers of once you go black you never go back, and other such ridiculousness. I come from a family where there have been interracial marriages and relationships. But in my immediate family it is generally an undertaking of the men. They think nothing of bringing home Becky or Sally. I have no idea what kind of reception I would receive if I showed up to dinner with Brad or Ashton.


What do I need to do to stop being homoracial? Is there a 7 step program? I remember growing up being accused of not being black enough because I spoke well and had very diverse taste. I love Friends and Cougartown and like to read books that don’t include men on the downlow or thug life, and I study Kabbalah. I have been told that I am not like other Black people because my hair is different and I listen to U2 and Peter Gabriel. Hysterical I say. But I guess if their own frame of reference was 70’s and 80’s television I probably was very different.


So what do white guys think of black women? We are often portrayed in the media as attitudinal, promiscuous, overly fertile and willing to procreate with multiple men, willing to accept little to nothing while giving everything. Chicken necking and loud talking is one of the banes of my existence and Black movies seem to thrive on this characterization. Oh how I miss the Cosby Show.


How do I get it out there in my everyday life that I am not a media image, but an intelligent, loving, funny, imaginative, adventurous thrill seeker looking for the same? I have changed some things on my profile page at that dating website that seems to be more work than it should, I have changed my About Me section to include some indicators that I am different and receptive to a new adventure. And for those out there in blog readerville spread the word that I don’t want to be A Homo-Racial anymore. Where is my Brad?

The Art of Oral.....

Have I lost the art of oral communication? Technology has taken over so many aspects of our lives, when are we going to take them back? I have watched myself get sucked into the technology vortex know as electronic communications. I never thought that I would be texting and emailing instead of having phone conversations. This is why I may never date anyone new again.

Even with my increased level of typing and clicking I still find online dating a chore. I can’t win. My online dating has gone on for 4 months now. One good guy out of several toads and he is thousands of miles away now. See I just can’t win. I am even more convinced that men don’t know what is good. My target demographic (age only) seems to be in the throes of a collective midlife crisis. Claiming to want to meet the perfect, mature, drama-free, woman but it seems that they are looking for the perfect, young, not too bright, easily influenced girl. I say good luck with that you old farts because those girls want young, vibrant, non-blue pill popping bad boys. Because that is what I wanted when I was in my 20s and 30s. So why should I spend hours a week sifting through pictures and profiles crafting clever emails? What’s wrong with a phone call?

But I digress as usual. Back to electronic communications, I strongly advise that Generation U(nemployed) learn how to have a decent conversation in person. I remember having long phone conversations into the night with the men in my life. Falling in like, lust, and love with the sweet words and promises of the next meeting. Talking long into the night, laughing and learning all that makes a person who they are. I even remember waking up with the phone to my ear hearing snoring on the other end. We were together for 3 years after that.

I am not just talking about personal conversations, but as a HR pro I have noticed that way too many young people cannot express themselves in a meaningful way in job interviews, on resumes, or when speaking to someone that is directly in front of them. I have attended a few ‘networking’ events recently. I have listened to exchanges between seekers and establisheds (yes I made up that word) and cringed. Being able to express yourself in proper tones, using real words seems to be a lost art form. Speaking without use of ‘umms’ and ‘you know what I’m sayin’s’ should have been the exception, but turned out to be the rule. Interestingly enough this applied to college educated people. Maybe I expect more, but I keep getting less. I will not go on my bad resume rant, I’ll save that for another day.

All of this to say that I am going to send one less text a day and pick up the phone to my sweetie and practice the art of oral….communication.

 
Have a Cafe Day!

I hate when the media airs my dirty laundry

Ok we all know that I have thrown my hat back into the dating ring. Well I just found out (imagine my surprise) that there seems to be an extremely limited pool of eligible black men with education and economic levels that match mine, according to media sources. They may be right, but this is not new information for single black women. It should not be a surprise for white America either given the overall inequities among education and poverty levels in this great country. Read the paper or watch the nightly local news or even watch a music video and see what our pool of eligibles looks like. That is not to say that I have not had the pleasure of being involved with educated and financially successful beautiful black men. Just as many toads as frog princes.

I decided to open my wading pool to include more diversity. Why not, black men did it a long time ago. I am going beyond traditional race and religion to include diversity of age, height, hair, career level, or even common interest. That is the advice that these articles have been giving. According to these articles it appears that black women are the most race loyal group out there. Is that fair or even accurate? I see more people together who look alike than don’t.

I have taken the time to read some profiles on a well known dating site and I have been flabbergasted at the exclusion of African American/Black women by AA/Black men in the search criteria.  There are plenty of men, black or otherwise, that are checking the box, and even more that don’t check any box, But I always feel a little something guttural when I see a person of any ethnicity purposefully eliminate the AA/Black box. Everyone has a preference. That’s the nature of humans. But are men put off by black women based on the many stereotypes that are put forward on TV?

I attended 2 colleges in pursuit of my degrees. They were such polar opposites. One was the picture of diversity and the other, let’s just say, was not, But what they had in common were some of the smartest, gifted, diverse minded group of young talented black women in the country. So why are their images not what we see in the media? Or hell, in our own produced visual vehicles? (By the way I have never said “girlfriend” anything) I hold a graduate level degree. I held of having children so that I could gain many life experiences. I am well travelled, well read, and pretty open minded. So why is there no version of me dancing around in the single ladies video? Just joking on that one.

So are we being denied relationships based on a media image? If a guy reads my profile and sees that I have a child, what are his thoughts? Is she on welfare, does she have baby daddy drama? Is she just looking for someone that take care of her kid? Does she carry the baggage from her failed relationships of the past? Is he able to see that I am an overeducated, loving, well read woman? Or does he envision someone living a  Madea tragedy? Oh are they comedies? Even scarier does he think I am some video ho straight out of a Little Wayne (everyone knows I hate him) musical assault?

All of this brings me back to dating outside of my comfort zone. See my comfort zone includes a man that is attracted to me and attractive to me, who shares similar interest, and activities. It doesn’t really matter what color skin the package is wrapped in because frog princes’ just need that one magical kiss.

In my next installment I will tell you where that got me.



Have Latte-Licious Day!

Oh my what a quandary. Finding time for a personal life when you are a single parent with a parent who requires your help, is there such a thing? Yes there are many super women out there who have done this and much more. But I am no superwoman. I am simply trying to find my way.


I have a friend who, since I have known her, had to take care of her suddenly ill mother and aging father, two teenagers, and a husband. I admired her from afar for many years. She did it with such grace and determination. I used to wonder what would I do in that situation?

Well as things have it, America was hit with a recession and I was hit first almost 8 years ago. So my career took a left turn when it should have gone right, I made some decisions that are in hindsight regrettable, and have been on a journey of self discovery ever since. I decided to have a baby and also to return home, temporarily. Or so I thought.

In the three years since my son was born I have had a several very good contracts. After my last contract I was left feeling unfulfilled. I began to rethink my career path. I just didn’t like the people who were leading these departments. I stepped back and took a part-time job that was being supplemented by unemployment compensation. (TMI I know) It is in a field that I absolutely love. But as time goes on I realize that I just couldn’t afford this indulgence.

The hammer fell a year ago when my mother fell ill. She recovered, fortunately, but I realized that I needed to be close to home. The flexibility that my current position offers me allowed me to walk out and go to my mother without any repercussions. They understood. Unlike my last contract, when my mother was having surgery and I told them I would work remotely, they hesitated. As if I needed their permission.

Back to my quandary. What does a superwoman-in-training do? I am sure that I could find another high paying position in another town. But I cannot leave my mother and she refuses to consider living somewhere else (with me not in a home). So how does the sandwich generation make a go of it?

It is insanely difficult living as a grown woman in your mother’s home trying to raise a child using some modern techniques. Being respectful but still taking control over major decisions. My mother is full of her usual zest for life but only it is limited to the walls within our domicile. How do you convince someone who has lived many years full of zest and zeal that she needs to get off the couch and go outside and breathe fresh air? But all of that is what it is and I have no real control over her, the real questions comes down to how do I make time to find my life? My few hours that are free from work and my son are filled with her doctor’s appointments and house cleaning. When I do have some unaccounted for time I find that I need to sneak out. I hide what I am doing with vague answers like “I have errands”. I feel like a teenager.

How do I introduce the idea that I am going to start dating? How do I get past the looks of skepticism when I bring home a man that makes me giggle like a school girl? I am not asking about how to introduce my son to the people I date, because that is not going to happen. But how do I deal with my mother? Again I feel like a teenager.

There are lots of sayings that warn daughters to their futures. One that always made me laugh is “ a daughter is a daughter all of her life and a son is a son until he takes a wife” and the second is that two women can’t live together as women, one must be the child. So where does that leave me? Full of questions on how I am going to make my way to romance and fun time. But most importantly, beyond all of the issues, pouting, sulking and hiding, is that I am so very grateful that my mommy is still here for me to have all of these quandaries over.



Have a Latte-Licious day!

First Dates For Dummies

I have had a boyfriend almost constantly since I was 14 with lots of fun in between. So why am I writing about Dating for Dummies? Because I have never really dated and may be doing it wrong. Hard to believe I know. There was a line in the movie Drumline where the lead female character tells Nick Cannon that “Southern girls don’t date they have boyfriends”. That stood out at me immediately. Don’t get me wrong I went out with my boyfriends regularly. We did lots of things together- movies, dining, travelling.


I had serious relationships and ones that were a little more “relaxed”.

Now that I am embarking in this online dating endeavor I have to figure out what to do on a date. I already know what not to talk about, like ex-husbands or boyfriends. Things not to do, like pick your nose or eat off of your date’s plate. But what are you supposed to reveal on a first date? How long should you hold your crazy in before you reveal her? How forward should you be about seeing him again? Demure or extrovert? Oh so many damned questions.

Clearly I am not professing to be any kind of expert on this subject, but I have had a boyfriend for the past 20 something years. So I should know something.



I went on a date last week with a guy that I thought would remind me of Mr. Big from Sex and the City (kind of but not really-anyway). It was not a planned first date. He had a cancelled business meeting and we decided to meet for coffee. We talked for over 2 hours. I did all of the things I have read to do, not talking too much, listening, asking questions and appearing interested. He seemed really interested and connected. We had to end the date abruptly, the café closed, and we said a quick goodnight. I got in my car and he in his. I called his cell when I got home to make sure that he got home safely. However, I have not heard back from him. Quel horreur!

The jury is still out on whether or not there is even a slight chance of a relationship. But I know what went wrong for me. We spoke easily and laughed a lot. But the conversation centered more around general events and philosophies than entering anything really personal. I am not saying that we needed to uncover any deep secrets (again keep that crazy in) but the conversation didn’t get personal enough to even approach any kind of flirtation. Don’t get me wrong I know some personal things about him, but I am not sure that it is any more than a close coworker might know.

On the other hand I went on a date about a year ago with a guy who proclaimed to be very interested. We talked and flirted over a drink. We went outside under the guise of having to leave so that we could go home and get some sleep because it was a work night. But we kept on talking for another 4 hours. I know some very intimate details about his life. There was definite flirting. 9 months later and we still haven’t had a second date. He knows that I am interested and open to all possibilities (hint hint). But we just have not connected. He professes to still be interested. But what went wrong here? Am I a bad first date?

Ladies and Gentlemen, what say ye? Is it me? DO I not know the dating rules? Am I forgetting to mention something important like I am single, disease free, and have my own mad money? No it really comes down to chemistry. You may not have love at first sight, but you do need to have a spark. And once you feel that spark the conversation should be easy. There should probably be some kind of physical contact. Hand to hand, hand to arm, maybe even a hug when parting. Should there be more? Well as a consenting adult I don’t say no. I have consulted with lots of men friends. Both married and single, and the majority agreed that if the attraction is there they do not hold it against a woman if they kiss or get more intimate on the first date. I would not really recommend more than kissing. Only because you need more time to explore sexual health issues and history. Always be safe.

So where did my dates go wrong? The first one from last year, I am still hopeful to get something going. It may be more curiosity and competitiveness then true love. As for last week’s date, the jury Is still out. If he calls I may try it again. But either way I am still searching for my next first date and possibly my last first kiss.

Online dating

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I have heard all kinds of criticisms about the people that use dating websites. But I am not sure that they are any different than the people I encounter in everyday life. I have met nice guys, freaks, weirdos, gays, lesbians (straight men that wanted to be women and date women), potentially homicidal maniacs, and general liars. So why not try an online dating site that has been around for years? I actually know a couple of people that have even married the men that they met. Are they happier then the people that met their husbands/wives at the club or gym or church? The jury is still out. But I will tell you they had far less drama. Each party knows what they are in it for- companionship, marriage, or just a booty call. It's clear and straight forward. So all that being said I have created a profile on a popular site to see who I can meet.

The profile is the most interesting part of the process. This is where you answer a series of questions that make you decide what is that you really want. I am not sure that everyone is sure about that. Do you really know what is important to you in a mate? Are you still stuck on the ideal that you developed from watching too many Meg Ryan movies? I am sure that as we get older our priorities change. Do we still look for that guy that is so darned handsome he could be Mr. America or do we overlook the overbite and comb-over for stability? I know those are both extremes, but when you change your criteria do you feel like you are settling?

Of course there is the part of the profile that talks about who you are? Are you really prepared to call yourself big and beautiful? I am not, I will stick with curvy. It's true! Do you really know what you are interested in or are you just checking all of the boxes? Can you honestly answer the personality assessment? I took the time just to see what they think of me. I am an Explorer. Good? Don't know yet. But I do know that I am an extrovert from previous work related assessments. So where do you go with that? I took a couple of hours to really think about what I want. I was a little surprised. My ideals have changed since I was 20 and even more so since I was 30.

But I think that for 2010 this will be another project. I vow to be open and willing to explore. However, just as dating someone that you meet on the street or through mutual friends, you must do your due diligence. Not that I don't believe what a person tells me, I know that we all tend to be something a little different when we meet someone new. My new year’s resolution in 2006 was to accept people for who they show me that they are through their actions and words.

Well campers the next step is up to Mr. Right. The anxiety builds, supposed noone wants to wink at me? What if noone is interested? What will I do. I promise to keep you informed oif my progress. But until then, let me know what you thin kon the subject.

Thanks a Latte for reading!

Have Café Day!

New Year New View

The year is 2010. I spent  alot of 2009 exploring social networking. I had resisted the media previously, dismissing it as juvenile and voyeuristic. But it proved useful in a variety of ways. I was able to reconnect with high school friends after decades and I found my literary exhibitionist. So here I am creating my first blog post.
I have been wanting to write a book for several years on a variety of topics. I figure that with my ADD and procratsination issues a blog may be the only way. I watched a good friend of mine take the blogging world by storm, passing on his amazing wealth of knowledge on his favorite subject. Using him as inspriation, I hope to entertain you all with my many stories about coffee and people.

About me you say. I have been alot of things in my lifetime, but one thing that I have always been is a coffee drinker/lover. I love coffee. I work in the industry. Eating, drinking, and breathing the elixir everyday since I was probably 3. My mother can tell lots of stories about coffee and me. From her decision to send me to school because my Grandmother and I spent the afternoons drinking coffee and watching soaps. I was 4. To our cross country car trip and she would order  a glass of milk and a cup of coffee. The milk was for her and the coffee for me. I was 5. I currently own 6 coffee makers. I rotate them based on the type of coffee I may be brewing. Is that normal? It is in my world.

So join me on my adventure in coffeeworld.